2015 will be a weird one in the NFL. Will we see JPP? How many fingers does he have? How many more 49ers have unexpectedly retired since I started typing this sentence? All that and more in part 1 of my fearless predictions.
Now led by arts and craftsy Tony Romo, the Boys get off to a hot start…only to see their momentum derailed when Romo is handed a 4 game suspension for playing with paper mache footballs. They limp to the finish line but still make the playoffs.
Chip Kelly, distressed at the thought of being unable to make a trade for the majority of the season, spends most of the year petitioning the league to abolish the trade deadline. Roger Goodell pushes it back to week 8, and in a fit of joy, Kelly ships Demarco Murray back to Dallas for Dez Bryant.
New York Giants
Jason Pierre-Paul comes riding to the rescue in week 3…except Big Blue’s D continues to get blown out and maimed. After an ugly week 17 loss to the Eagles, Pierre-Paul and the Giants are booed off the field, causing JPP to realize he still has the one finger that matters….
After using three different starting quarterbacks in the first 12 weeks, coach Jay Gruden, a former Arena League star, becomes the leagues first player-coach when he names himself starter. He lasts 3 plays, in the process becoming the first coach to take a snap, end the season on IR, and be fired all in the same calendar year.
Green Bay Packers
When Randall Cobb goes down with an injury in week 3, the Packers hold open tryouts for receivers. Amongst the mostly obese, cheese-loving participants is a certain legendary ex-QB known for his diva-like antics. Despite his newfound Hochulian physique, Favre is cut, and the world goes on spinning on its axis.
Ndamukong Suh? More like Ndamukong Who.
Just kidding, the Lions disappoint yet again.
As the debate over where to draft Adrian Peterson in fantasy football rages, Mike Zimmer misses the chance to take AD by one pick in his own league. Peterson never sees the field. The Vikes win just 6 games, but hey, the gambit pays off—Zimmer wins his league.
After an embarrassing 0-3 start, Jay Cutler, in an effort to earn his walking papers, decides to bring a popular meme to life by smoking on the sideline. When that doesn’t work, he tries a bong.
After a 5-1 start, Cam Newton declares himself the best quarterback in the league. Steve Smith Sr.—in Arizona ahead of the Ravens tilt with the Cards the next night—hears Cam’s boast, commanders the team plane, and confronts Newton in front of a stunned press corp in Carolina.
New Orleans Saints
Brokenhearted over the loss of his two top receivers in the offseason, Drew Brees decides to pay silent tribute to his lost comrades by refusing to throw a pass past the line of scrimmage all season. He still throws for 4000 yards.
After seven years and one playoff win, Matt Ryan decides to part with the “Matty Ice” moniker. He puts his new nickname to vote, but is none too pleased when the write-in selection “Matthew Mediocre” is the runaway winner.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Jameis Winston and the Bucs O struggles all season despite the continued brilliance of Mike Evans. Tampa fans, numbed by years of atrocious quarterback play, respond with a shrug and quip “at least he’s not Josh McCown.”
Russell Wilson busts out and leads the league in quarterback rating, QB rush yards, and—with his primary rival Tim Tebow no longer around—not getting laid.
A dark horse pick to win the west, their stock beings to falter when experts realize the Carson Palmer to Larry Fitzgerald connection was a lot more impressive circa Madden ’07.
San Francisco 49ers
Things keep getting worse for new coach Jim Tomsula when 4 more players, 3 trainers, and 2 waterboys unexpectedly retire after week 1. In desperate need of bodies, the Niners reach out to Madison Bumgarner—newly available with the Giants missing the playoffs. He closes the season as San Frans starting QB, with Colin Kaepernick shifting to receiver.
St. Louis Rams
Upon realizing the oft-incarcerated Kenny Britt is his top receiver, Nick Foles does his best Sam Bradford impression and suffers a season-ending knee injury
Check back for Part 2 tomorrow